I’ve been fat my whole life.
Okay, maybe I was skinny when I was like four, but after that I was fat.
I see lots of women, my size and even bigger, that I think are absolutely gorgeous, and they have confidence and style and are perfectly happy. I’ve always wanted to be one of those women, but I just never have been.
I have never, ever looked into a mirror and liked what I saw. I have never considered myself a “BBW” because I’ve never felt beautiful. I don’t even like wearing cute clothes because I feel ridiculous. As Obama said, “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”
I began comfort-eating at a very early age. I was a very lonely, depressed child. I had no friends, my dad was always really busy and rather short-tempered – I can’t blame him too much for that; my mom left me at a very early age, and he was a single dad from the time I was a baby, with little help, trying as hard as he could to make the best life possible for me.
My grandparents, my dad’s parents, helped him to an extent but that became an additional burden. They weren’t good or nice people. They were mean, manipulative people, who tried to fill my head with vicious lies about my dad from the time I was old enough to listen, their goal being to take me away from my dad, not because he was unfit as a parent but because they had lost the respect and much of the love of their own kids, that they thought they could start fresh with me.
They became obsessed with me, in every sense of the word. They wouldn’t let me bathe, they forced me to wear old, ratty clothing, and overeat, explaining that “fat, stinky kids never get kidnapped.” When I started school, of course no one wanted to hang out with the fat stinky kid.
I tried replacing friendship with animals. I had a lot of kittens growing up, but never for very long. They would always “run away” after just a few weeks. It wasn’t until I was older that I discovered my grandparents were “getting rid of them.”
So let’s recap the story so far. By the age of five…
– My mom had made it clear she didn’t want me
– I was under the impression my dad was an evil psychopath
– My grandparents had convinced me I wasn’t even good enough to kidnap
– No one at school wanted to play with me.
– Even my kittens didn’t want to be around me.
I’m not trying to be emo here, this is just how I felt as a child. These things pretty much aren’t issues anymore.
My grandparents had me convinced that they were the only people on the planet who loved me, and they showed me this with all kinds of delicious foods. Chocolate chip pancakes and bacon every morning for breakfast, hot chocolate and cookies every night. Food was love. That’s how I grew up.
When I was 12, my grandfather, who, by the way, was on steroids, owned a gym. He was at this gym every day. He had me at this gym several times a week, too. You wouldn’t believe how strong my legs were. Before I even hit my teens, I was leg pressing heavy weights. Terrible idea. This did a lot of damage to my spine, which I am still suffering from today.
So through my teens, my life was loneliness, comfort food, and the inability to move around without pain. That formula created the Crystal you see today. I’m happy to report that since then I have learned a lot about myself and have (for the most part) stopped the comfort eating, and take much better care of myself in that respect, but that doesn’t mean a lot when you’re in so much pain that some days you can’t even get out of bed without crying, let alone exercise normally.
Eventually I just accepted this. This was my life, there wasn’t going to be much I could do to change it, and why should I? This is the life I’ve always known. I’ve ALWAYS been the fatty fatty fat fat of every social circle I’ve been in. This is just my role.
Almost a year and a half ago, the concept changed. My mom came to me and told me that she might be able to help me get the Lap Band. I was really reluctant at first. I joined chat rooms and social groups for people who had the Lap Band, to talk to them about it. Everyone, every single one, had success stories. People almost twice as big as me were down to bikini size! I started to get excited; maybe this COULD work, maybe this is what I need.
I began getting poked and prodded and tested and studied in the name of the Lap Band. I had consultations and meetings with dieticians and adjusted my diet and learned a lot about nutrition. As time went on I got more and more excited. The goal was to get the surgery before my insurance runs out, when I turn 26 (June 12).
Everything was going great, and it all looked like I would be able to get my surgery in late May, right in the nick of time!
My insurance is one of the strictest insurances as far as approving bariatric surgery. Yesterday, I got a call from my weight loss consultant that my insurance is insisting on two more months of meetings before they’ll approve my surgery. That puts my surgery in July, a month after I lose my insurance.
After some tears, mostly out of frustration that I’ve had so. many. procedures done – I’ve been stabbed with needles and had tubes shoved down my throat and things stuck to my face and so on – for nothing. For absolutely nothing.
I’m sick of it, you guys. I’m really, really sick of constantly being unhappy with myself, I’m sick of wearing the same five outfits because I’m afraid to go shopping. I’m sick of avoiding amusement parks for fear that the seat belt won’t fit around me. I’m sick of feeling like everyone is staring at me and thinking, “How disgusting!”
What the Lap Band does is restrict your stomach so a) you feel fuller faster, and b) you literally cannot eat more than a little bit of food at a time. If you try to, you throw up. It’s not like liposuction or other cosmetic surgeries, all it does is make it easier to restrict your own diet, because as anyone who’s ever dieted knows, that shit is hard.
But not impossible, right?
If all it is is changing your diet, couldn’t a person technically do that on their own? With enough willpower and determination, the weight loss brought about by the Lap Band could be made, without the Lap Band.
That’s my plan. And right now, honestly, I feel like I’ll fail, but I’m determined to try my hardest. This blog is a testament to change. While I normally hate talking about my weight (it’s humiliating, I hate calling attention to it when I don’t have to, and frankly, I’ve been in tears while writing some of this post, because I’m a fat blubbering fatty fat), I’m going to do the exact opposite. I’m done accepting this as my life. I’m going to get the supplies I need over the weekend, and starting this Monday, April 30th, I’m going on the Lap Band diet. I’m still working up the courage to post my weight (plus, I want to weigh myself for accuracy), but my ultimate goal is to be down to a healthy BMI (150 pounds or less) by my 28th birthday (June 12, 2014). I think my ideal weight at my height (5’4) would be around 120 pounds.
Wish me luck!