thepolkadotrobot

My Weight Loss Journey

I’ve been fat … April 26, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — Polka Dot Robot @ 6:39 PM

I’ve been fat my whole life.

Okay, maybe I was skinny when I was like four, but after that I was fat.

I see lots of women, my size and even bigger, that I think are absolutely gorgeous, and they have confidence and style and are perfectly happy. I’ve always wanted to be one of those women, but I just never have been.

I have never, ever looked into a mirror and liked what I saw. I have never considered myself a “BBW” because I’ve never felt beautiful. I don’t even like wearing cute clothes because I feel ridiculous. As Obama said, “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”

I began comfort-eating at a very early age. I was a very lonely, depressed child. I had no friends, my dad was always really busy and rather short-tempered – I can’t blame him too much for that; my mom left me at a very early age, and he was a single dad from the time I was a baby, with little help, trying as hard as he could to make the best life possible for me.

My grandparents, my dad’s parents, helped him to an extent but that became an additional burden. They weren’t good or nice people. They were mean, manipulative people, who tried to fill my head with vicious lies about my dad from the time I was old enough to listen, their goal being to take me away from my dad, not because he was unfit as a parent but because they had lost the respect and much of the love of their own kids, that they thought they could start fresh with me.

They became obsessed with me, in every sense of the word. They wouldn’t let me bathe, they forced me to wear old, ratty clothing, and overeat, explaining that “fat, stinky kids never get kidnapped.” When I started school, of course no one wanted to hang out with the fat stinky kid.

I tried replacing friendship with animals. I had a lot of kittens growing up, but never for very long. They would always “run away” after just a few weeks. It wasn’t until I was older that I discovered my grandparents were “getting rid of them.”

So let’s recap the story so far. By the age of five…

– My mom had made it clear she didn’t want me

– I was under the impression my dad was an evil psychopath

– My grandparents had convinced me I wasn’t even good enough to kidnap

– No one at school wanted to play with me.

– Even my kittens didn’t want to be around me.

I’m not trying to be emo here, this is just how I felt as a child. These things pretty much aren’t issues anymore.

Anywho…

My grandparents had me convinced that they were the only people on the planet who loved me, and they showed me this with all kinds of delicious foods. Chocolate chip pancakes and bacon every morning for breakfast, hot chocolate and cookies every night. Food was love. That’s how I grew up.

When I was 12, my grandfather, who, by the way, was on steroids, owned a gym. He was at this gym every day. He had me at this gym several times a week, too. You wouldn’t believe how strong my legs were. Before I even hit my teens, I was leg pressing heavy weights. Terrible idea. This did a lot of damage to my spine, which I am still suffering from today.

So through my teens, my life was loneliness, comfort food, and the inability to move around without pain. That formula created the Crystal you see today. I’m happy to report that since then I have learned a lot about myself and have (for the most part) stopped the comfort eating, and take much better care of myself in that respect, but that doesn’t mean a lot when you’re in so much pain that some days you can’t even get out of bed without crying, let alone exercise normally.

Eventually I just accepted this. This was my life, there wasn’t going to be much I could do to change it, and why should I? This is the life I’ve always known. I’ve ALWAYS been the fatty fatty fat fat of every social circle I’ve been in. This is just my role.

Almost a year and a half ago, the concept changed. My mom came to me and told me that she might be able to help me get the Lap Band. I was really reluctant at first. I joined chat rooms and social groups for people who had the Lap Band, to talk to them about it. Everyone, every single one, had success stories. People almost twice as big as me were down to bikini size! I started to get excited; maybe this COULD work, maybe this is what I need.

I began getting poked and prodded and tested and studied in the name of the Lap Band. I had consultations and meetings with dieticians and adjusted my diet and learned a lot about nutrition. As time went on I got more and more excited. The goal was to get the surgery before my insurance runs out, when I turn 26 (June 12).

Everything was going great, and it all looked like I would be able to get my surgery in late May, right in the nick of time!

Nope.

My insurance is one of the strictest insurances as far as approving bariatric surgery. Yesterday, I got a call from my weight loss consultant that my insurance is insisting on two more months of meetings before they’ll approve my surgery. That puts my surgery in July, a month after I lose my insurance.

Fantastic.

After some tears, mostly out of frustration that I’ve had so. many. procedures done – I’ve been stabbed with needles and had tubes shoved down my throat and things stuck to my face and so on – for nothing. For absolutely nothing.

I’m sick of it, you guys. I’m really, really sick of constantly being unhappy with myself, I’m sick of wearing the same five outfits because I’m afraid to go shopping. I’m sick of avoiding amusement parks for fear that the seat belt won’t fit around me. I’m sick of feeling like everyone is staring at me and thinking, “How disgusting!”

What the Lap Band does is restrict your stomach so a) you feel fuller faster, and b) you literally cannot eat more than a little bit of food at a time. If you try to, you throw up. It’s not like liposuction or other cosmetic surgeries, all it does is make it easier to restrict your own diet, because as anyone who’s ever dieted knows, that shit is hard.

But not impossible, right?

If all it is is changing your diet, couldn’t a person technically do that on their own? With enough willpower and determination, the weight loss brought about by the Lap Band could be made, without the Lap Band.

That’s my plan. And right now, honestly, I feel like I’ll fail, but I’m determined to try my hardest. This blog is a testament to change. While I normally hate talking about my weight (it’s humiliating, I hate calling attention to it when I don’t have to, and frankly, I’ve been in tears while writing some of this post, because I’m a fat blubbering fatty fat), I’m going to do the exact opposite. I’m done accepting this as my life. I’m going to get the supplies I need over the weekend, and starting this Monday, April 30th, I’m going on the Lap Band diet. I’m still working up the courage to post my weight (plus, I want to weigh myself for accuracy), but my ultimate goal is to be down to a healthy BMI (150 pounds or less) by my 28th birthday (June 12, 2014). I think my ideal weight at my height (5’4) would be around 120 pounds.

Wish me luck!

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11 Responses to “I’ve been fat …”

  1. Chris Says:

    You can do it! And I think I will join you. I currently weigh 270 lbs. A few years ago, I maxed out at 283. Last year, I was able to drop to 255, but old habits die hard, and my weight bounced back up. Still, last year I completed 2 triathlons and a 100 mile bike ride. I need to start watching what I eat again, because I do sufficient exercise (cycling 3-5 times a week, for hours at a time) but eat too much.

    Have you considered getting a recumbent bicycle? Excellent for people with back problems, and cycling is the most fun I’ve ever had exercising. Either way, I’ve felt how you felt, so I know what its like being the fat guy (person) in your group of friends.

    • That’s really impressive that you were able to accomplish so much! I haven’t heard of recumbent bicycles but I just looked it up and it looks a LOT more comfortable than a regular bicycle.

      The exercise I like best is dancing. I LOVE it. I can do it for hours and because I’m having so much fun, I don’t notice my back hurting until I’ve stopped. When my boyfriend moves back home after graduating in June, we’re going to sign up for swing classes. I think that will help a lot.

      • Chris Says:

        Yes! Do what you love! Find what works for you and stick with it! It is so hard to get people to figure that out.

    • Chris Says:

      Also, I’m male, 5’10, and have large muscle/bone structure (did the wrist bone width test and everything!) so my ideal weight is about 180. I would be so happy at 200.

      • I’m not sure what my structure is, which is why I’m aiming for for a healthy BMI (18-25) than a specific weight. I’m hoping, though, that I’ll be able to be a size 6 or so whenever I end up getting married (not for probably 2-3 years).

  2. stingray1964 Says:

    I know you from afar , but in the times i talked with you I am proud to know you. You seem to have done a lot you should be proud of and your heath is the most impotent thing you need to care about ! I wish you the best !

  3. karla Says:

    U can do it crystal!!!!! Hey the fat stinky kid in class was my best friend in 4th grade!

    Ive lost 40 lbs in a year and a half, ill always be a fat girl at heart but the way I feel now (health wise) is so worth giving up all the delicious junk food!! im here if u need any advice or someone to talk to who can relate orrrr whatever else. 🙂

  4. Erika May Says:

    I believe you can do it, but take it from me (I am larger than you, and had a lot of trauma as well) its REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to do it without the LapBand forcing you to not eat. Sometime (lets be honest-most days) sheer willpower and motivation are not enough. You need to surround yourself with people who want you to succeed, and will not allow you to slip up. Its the best thing I did for myself. I know you can do it without it, I know I can do it without it, but just know that this has been the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, and it might be for you.

    I have faith in you, though, and I am by your side whenever, okay? If you need someone to work out with this summer, let me know!

    • I know how hard it is. That’s why I expect myself to fail, but I can’t be with myself without at least trying.

      That’s why I wanted to make this blog, too, to track my progress, to expose myself, to make every mistake public to encourage myself not to make mistakes.

  5. Grant McNaughton Says:

    I am really proud of you for committing to this babe. I understand how frustrated you’ve been and I only want the best for you. Once I’m home we’ll be able to work out together and with teamwork I think we can make it happen. I love you so much!


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